Revenge feels good until you see the blood.

I want to be pretty, just to f*ck you up. Make your mind twitch and your insides turn, make you see what a fool you are. Maybe I'll wake up from my nightmare when you're begging for me, crying in your sleep for what you can't have.

& that's about as malicious as I get.

Today, we breathe.

It’s been a while. I feel the need to catch up, in a timeline even.

07/02 – Beach with the Michael sisters and my sister. Fun was had, Nadine got pinched by her crabby boyfriend that kept finding her, tanning was done and then we decided to attack tangers. Nothing good can come from four girls shopping right after the beach. Nadine was asked for her facebook instead of her number… cute, but funny. Came home and… No clue what happened after that. Oh, yeah. Went to bed at a decent hour for once, and then got a call at 2am from an obnoxious drunk Jake. No, I did not want to hang out. No, I was busy the next day. No… I did not care who he dated (very weird conversation at this point). After that… no sleep. At all. All. Night. LONG.

07/03 – Went to New Jersey with the family, and hung out all day with my favorite little cousins… I got kissed ( I love little CJ kisses! He’s so sweet!), hugged, kissed some more, splashed, blew bubbles, played store, tried vanilla tequila and chocolate wine (yummy! But I was terrified that one of the kids would want some “chocolate milk”, that’s exactly what it looked like!) and tanned. Great day, aside from getting stuck in traffic and dad driving both really slowly and ME insane.

4th of July – I think I tanned. Started talking to an awesome guy. No partying was accomplished, at all. Was completely freaked out by the firecrackers that I COULD NOT see.

07/06 – Hung out with the elusive Jake.

07/09 – Beach with Jeanette Sunburn of my LIFE happened. We then completely tore apart Target when we only went in for mousse and suntan oil. LOL. Funny how girls do that.

07/13 – Went to Mollys for a little bit. Hung out with Paul, who I am definitely confused about. Cute face. The man actually uses his brain. But these legos aren’t clicking together right. Tried to watch Tropic Thunder… I was beyond confused.

07/15 – Visited moms friend, and finally met her new baby, little Vinny and hung out with Gabby again! I can’t believe she is walking, she’s sooo little! While we were there, they were informed of an issue with the LAX team she and her husband coach… they were down a goalie for the summer. Two hours later, I’m covered in goalie gear with a lacrosse stick doing my best to not flinch when the ball comes at me – I flinched once, got a few bruises, and made a few saves. Not too shabby for my first time. I’m in for the rest of the summer season.

07/17 - Disaster of a day. Went to Candy’s for a little bit, stood around feeling stupid, then went home. The only good thing that came from this day was shopping, I finally got a new dress, jeans, and a pair of heels. I also bought a new mouth guard, the one Coach gave me doesn’t quite fit right since I don’t have braces.

07/18 – Sunday brought around a new week, a new vibe. All ages matinée at Molly’s lacked a crowd, but the people that made it out were awesome, and it’s always a fun time if Mike and Pete are behind the bar. Strong Arm Law, Kith & Kin, Ink & Lead, and The Broosevelts were there, I was the un/official TJ… Haha. There was this guy there, kept on looking at me and smirking. Needless to say, we start talking, he asks me how it feels to be the only girl there, I say it feels like being the only girl there (so dumb!). I was outside texting for a ride about an hour later, and he starts talking to me again. Turns out he lives really close by, so he offers to drives me home when my ride bails. Funny thing at this point, he knew my name because of my nameplate necklace, but I had to ask him what his name was across the bar in front of Mike! Lol. We exchange numbers, saying we should hang out during the week sometime… He actually finds me on Facebook, which is pretty impossible since I’m super-private, and his plans for the night get cancelled so he asks if I want to hang out. Of course I do. We end up going to a bar in St. James and playing pool with some friends of his all night. It really was a fun time.

07/19 – Monday started off as a disgusting uneventful day. The type of day that makes you want to crawl into your favorite worn-in hoodie and hide. Around 11, Jordan (Mr. Matinée) starts IMing me. I don’t even know how it comes around, but he asks if I want to hang out, we go back and forth about it for about an hour before I finally say yes, and then it’s 2am, we’re at a diner, it’s 3am and we’re watching The Godfather, we fall asleep in the middle so we start it over again in a few hours. That movie is INSANE. I had never seen it before, it’s every cliché about Italians ever! Ever! All in all… great night with the amazing Jordan.

I Almost Forgot...

Ten months of having a blog! It seems like so much longer though. This time last year, I was just coming back from a short vacay in CA, I had just gone to my very first water park in OH the week before, I was ALL over the place! I barely had time to write, but I had a million things to get off my mind. I should have started then haha. It's funny how it seems like such a long time ago - meanwhile, high school seems like yesterday even though it's been four years. Funny how that works.

Dance Media- full bod & foot work- rave/club style 2004

This girl is amazing. The video is OLD, but I am still loving it! I would love to see her doing this in a dark club with glow gloves on - the ones with the lights on the fingertips, so you don't have to use glowsticks. So amazing!

Your life is waiting – just get in the car and drive

I've been slowly realizing something lately. No matter what happens, if you are not happy, that affects every part of your life. You aren't happy, so you think your job sucks; you aren't happy, so you gain weight; you aren't happy, so your relationships fail. You have to make sure you are pleased with yourself before you get out of bed in the morning, or else your whole day/week/month will just turn to shit. No one else can do that for you. You can fool yourself into believing that other people made your day awful, but it's just not true. Your reaction to other people has made your day awful. Roll with it. I'm not saying don't react, at all. If you want to, scream, shout. But know you do not need to hold on to the drama and therefore bring yourself down.

I'm changing a lot right now. I'm back in the mindset I was about 2 years ago, before I started letting other people affect me. So far, I've lost some weight, started working out again, made some awesome new friends, started sketching and writing again... I found a few blank canvases and I'm dying to paint something. I'm getting my balls-to-the-wall attitude back, and it feels amazing to walk in my own shoes again. It helps that I dropped the drama-makers from my life. It helps that I want to be myself so badly I don't care if running hurts, I'll do just about anything to be myself again.

Lost

I tan. As I sit in the sun I try to think, or if need be, stop thinking. I grew my nails out to make you happy. I let my hair get long and light from the sun. I stop doing things that make me happy. I stop calling my friends, and focus all of my attention on you instead. You only call me when you need to. You only text to make sure I can answer the phone when you call. You make me feel terrible for finding someone else, even if he isn't that type of guy.

Why did I fall for you so hard, so fast? And why is getting over you so easy until I'm home alone at night, with no friends to hang out with, and no one to speak to?

I need out. I also need to hit you really really hard, but I won't. Why should I? Just to prove that you're right? Screw that.

Beer & Laundry

I need to work on expressing thoughts more often, so I don't always hold it in until I explode at someone. How do I know this? Because I'm tired of getting headaches that make the back of my neck pulse when I'm upset. Usually if I can't yell or scream it out, I end up shaking with a pulsing headache. Just wonderful. And incredibly juvenile to top it all off, that I still need to scream at someone when in an argument. It just makes it feel better, makes my point get across so much clearer. Maybe tiny people just need to scream because we're little? IDK. Maybe I was such a "good" child that I skipped that part of development. I never had tantrums. I never threw a fit in a store, grocery or toy variety. Actually, I'm pretty sure I skipped a lot of "phases" of development. All that teenage rebellion? I was pretty much a good kid. Never did my homework, and hung out with the wrong crowd for a tiny amount of time, but I never caused any major issues. I've had more tantrums since February then I've had in my entire childhood. I've slammed doors, cabinets, anything to avoid all-out self-combustion or a full-fledged fight. I think knowing I cannot do anything, or get my way/what I want, has officially gotten to me. Mom said I had anger issues. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because no matter what I do, every mistake gets shoved in my face. I don't want to work in a god damned restaurant, especially with one of my fathers friends. They don't like the fact that I'm bartending, tough shit, it's money I'm making ON MY OWN, in a way I feel comfortable with. Not shutting my mouth and serving fries with that. I should be more of a bitch just because I never ask for anything, yet I've been treated like shit by an asshole that doesn't deserve my recognition as family. If you follow my twitter, you can see this all happening, every little piece of control I have crumbling away.

I need a punching bag and a soundproof room. And lots of kleenex.

I am the girl with a lot on her plate...

Well, I have absolutely nothing to write about, but here I am - yeah, I don't know why either. it's been a confusing few days, well, week I should say. Things are officially done with Mr. Cali, no more chances, barely speaking. I'm personally glad, I think both our lives are better off without the other in it, we were just dragging each other down. I'm tired of being terrified of reasons why his phone is off and he's not responding to emails, of being alone, he's tired of... well, probably of my crazy emails, but that would have been avoided if he had just smoke-signaled he's still alive. I feel horrible for him, but until he cleans up even speaking to him will be difficult, always wondering what he's doing that he won't tell me.

In other news... I need to make up my mind. Between Ludo, Sped Hardly, Unc, Pedro, and The Hoff, I'm all over the place. I don't know what to feel for who, and who is most likely to return the feelings. I don't want to get hurt here, yet I'm so setting myself up for failure. Honestly - I don't think any are really going to be there when I need them. I am the girl that is always there. I have a few friends, but lately they are all wrapped up in thier own relationships. I'm tired of being the fifth/seventh/third wheel when we go out. But I doubt any of these boys can help me with that.

In OTHER other news - WOOOO! I finally got someone to start teaching me how to bartend! And I'm looking for bands that would like to play at Molly Blooms in smithtown, on July 18th.

And in the sports report... I'm playing soccer with lovely Crashley this week, and tanning with Scielso too! Yay for seeing girls I love but never see!!! I'll post more about that when it happens, though. Funny pictures are sure to be posted, as well. :)

Alone in the Dark

I'm a sweet girl. I'm lovable. So I stand here, begging you to love me already, please. Sleepless nights alone are my worst nightmare, and my life has been full of them. Love me. Choose me. Save me, from myself most of all. Show me that I'm more then just a passing thought, that maybe someday I'll be able to see myself as more then nothing. Love me, so I can learn to love myself.

Learning

I think I'm so hesitant about school and work because I have no way of getting to either. School is going to have to wait, although I have phenomenal credit and even eating a sandwich makes me think of how cultures have evolved and created fast food. It's crazy. I'm smart. There's so much behind the image you all see, that no one even knows about. Instead, I'm a basket case of a 22 yr old thats failed at becoming an adult. Woohoo for me. Happy freaking birthday, look around you, that's what you could have become. Someone in a better place, having better times.

formspring.me

You're nosy, start asking!! http://formspring.me/tinytk

You are my Sweetest Downfall...

I should have loved you more, loved you harder. Said yes instead of maybe. Maybe if I had, we both wouldn't be as fucked up as we each are. I had stupidly been told that loving someone wasn't enough. I now know it's more then enough, it's all there really is. To have someone other then yourself there, with you, is why we're put on this stupid plane of existence. Not for ourselves. For each other. Every stupid mindfuck that thinks it's to make money, preserve some sort of image, well - what good is it if you're a lonely asshole in the end?

Yes, I still love you. It kills me knowing I'm hurting myself here. Why would I want to hurt myself any more then circumstance already has? I wish I could just stop giving a shit, about you, about myself. Turn into a damn robot, do as I'm told. You know I've never been that way though, I'll never actually let myself go that numb. Some remind me every day in their own way that your the worst thing to happen to me, well, honestly I don't agree. Somehow I hope you get better, that life finally works out for the both of us and maybe, just maybe smile and mean it.

idk where i was going with this, but it's the deepest thing I've thought about all day, its a shame not to post it.

I wish it would leave a bruise for once, denying the fact that you're heartbroken is getting rather old.

Down to Business

So, I've decided on something, finally. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. The whole club scene is bullshit, honestly. There is a situation going on right now, a split within the group, and I don't know which side to pick, the side I've known longer or the side that has another amazing friend? And really, the side I've known longer has made me feel like shit sometimes, which is NOT something a friend does. I'm about to say screw it all and just not go to any freaking clubs this summer. I'm about to just pack a duffel bag and skedaddle, I'm so done with everything here. Two things are stopping me. I have no place to go and no money to get there with. Ugh. Living the broke life.

WTF?!?!?

Just saw on FB that yet another one of my friends has gotten married. Jealousy is rising high, overriding logical thoughts. Just one more "my life is just THAT shitty" moment. I'd like things to work out in my favor on a major, life-changing scale for once. Not the "hey I ran a red and didn't die" daily type of favor. The favor that puts you back to basking in the warm light of happiness.

Have all my warm fuzzies been used up? Have I played all my cards and I'm left with a crappy hand? Will I ever become something more then what I am, insignificant mass of illogically destructive cells?

One lives to find out, I guess. I just wish I could be blessed with knowing what's coming for me, take all the guesswork out of it. In a subjective future, we can still only make each choice once.

One Lives to Find Out (I know I'm whining, it's hard not to when shit hits the fan)

I've been alive, but I don't think I've been living. Why not? Because I haven't been doing a lot of finding out lately. Some, here and there, but no major epiphanies, golden beacons of self-enlightenment shining down from the heavens (or the light fixtures for some reason...). Just a lot of confusion and worries and just not fun. I have to admit something here:

I've been faking, with a big fat F.

I'm tired. I'm broke. I'm tired of being broke and stuck in one place. That's what it is, I think. I feel stuck. I barely drive, I barely get paid (people [aka my friends *cough, cough, hint, hint!*] need to start coming to the club on my guest-list for crying out loud! No, you can NOT come in for free, ya dang MOOCH! How do you expect me to be able to hang out with you outside a club setting if I'm flat broke cuz I let you in for free!?). I need a real job. The issue being, I have no steady form of transportation. The public transit system on the island SUCKS. It exists to get you into the city and back to your car, or to get minors to the mall in 1hr, 45mins on the express route. Not to mention I would need a ride to the bus/ train station, there are none within walking distance of my house. I'm just screwed here. I should have left months ago, it's not working out. I'm nearly 22, what reason do I have to sleep and store my belongings under my mothers roof anymore, aside from being a damn hippie? I want my own life already. It's been established I don't belong here. By whom? Myself, and little bits and pieces of other's subconscious behaviors. I'm wasting time here, literally and figuratively.

On being relocated: I'm being told I need to change my drivers license to NY, from MI. I'm also being told I need to go back to school. Things wrong with this picture:

1. I'm still enrolled at WCCCD, just not registered for any classes.

2. When I tried to transfer my middle states accredited credits to whatever the hell the Midwest uses that is SO hard to remember, I got a bunch of shit for answers and none of my credits transfered aside from freshman seminar. The rest were just useless towards any degree. I'd imagine the reverse would be just as much of a hassle, especially since I'm almost done in that system. AND because my application to EMU is nearly complete, only lacking one more piece. I hate waffling, especially waffling major documents.

3. I hate Suffolk community college. I've been there, tried it, laughed at the stoners, didn't fit in at all, it's just not the right fit for me. But right now, that's even more college then I can afford. I left there with a "no go backs" policy, and I intend to keep it.

And to top it all off, I got pissed off at the world and dyed my lovely unnaturally blonde hair to a color darker then the 2 inches of roots showing - my hair is almost BLACK. Splotchy black. I hate it, it's depressing and dark and dreary. It's the reason WHY I've been dyeing it blonde for the past year and a half.

I miss my life. Life changes, the world keeps spinning even if you trip and fall. No one cares that you're a confused beginner. There are people I haven't seen in months that I would love to have back in my life. There are people I'd like to shaaa....re a cupcake with. (It might have explosives in it, it might have been recommended by Wyle E. Coyote. Specifics, who needs those anyways???)

I think I need a nice dose of fun, sun, a vacation from being sick, tired, bored and unproductive... and a life I can call my own instead of whining in my big-girl bedroom. It's my birthday wish (turning 22 on the 23rd! excited? not really, just looking forward to getting shitfaced).

Night ya'll.

Wrong decisions:484 phoebe being right: 0
this whole life has been ridiculous. So screw it, i'll give it a shot. I can't lose anymore then i already have.

OY! AYE CARAMBAAAA!!!!

GEEZ!!!! I SO got myself in deep this time! I got a job at a bar, as a shot girl. There is a MAJOR spring break party coming up this week, and I am just... nervous beyond belief. I've done this before, come on! Dress up, play the part, flirt, make them think they're special... and then never come back once the tray gets empty. HAHAHA! But this time, I am freaking out hardcore. I don't look the same as I used to. Granted, I still have the huge tits, and I am just waiting for a bouncer to have to pull some motor-boatin fool out of my face, but I'm not the tiny little thing I was. I turned into a whale! The bottom picture, the one in white, is me now. The top one is me from about a year ago. Crazy, right? I was ADORABLE. In the right light I was downright HOT. Now? I'm lucky if I get asked to move instead of just being pushed, cuz you know, being fat is contagious and just speaking to tubby wonders infects you with it.

Ohhhh I hate to say this but... I need to go to the gym :( I hate that place! Give me a dorky denise austin video and a door with a lock on it instead! I miss doing my own little workouts, and running, and just being myself. I always gain weight when I'm home but this is a disaster. This is putting me back 2 years and no clothes. Which brings me round to my next issue.

The dress code for the party is BEACH WEAR. I'm a... I resemble the walrus instead of the carpenter. I look fine in a bikini top/ tank top combo, but with jeans. Long jeans. Not shorts. If I wore shorts, I would need to wear danskin tights to make my legs look like a hooters girl. And if I wore tights, I wouldn't be able to wear heels. And being a shot girl, I've got to look my best, so I've got to wear heels. So I've got to break dress code and wear long jeans. I don't even know how I'm going to walk in them all night I hate heels lol. Either way... I need to hit the gym so I can dance without getting winded. bleh. I have a few words of wisdom for myself.

Don't forget the boobie tape.

Your Drug is a Heart Breaker

I've got a lot to say on drugs, relationships, and when they intertwine and decide to be friends. Mostly: Don't do it. Alcohol, otc, and rx are the only drugs that people should ever use, and even then, only in moderation. Sure, feel nice every now and then. But don't work to use and use to work. it's not worth it for the people you leave behind and hurt in the process.

I nearly married a man that needed to use. It's how I ended up living with my parents again. There. It's out. I dated an addict. I feel horrible, and dirty, and used. I also think I deserve my big-girl panties for putting up with it for so long, dealing with addiction, arrests, waking up in the middle of the night not knowing where your partner is or if he is ok. I was so scared, all the time. I still am, and I'm not even dating the fool anymore. He's my best friend. Losing him would be one of the worst things ever. Losing him would be losing my hope that things can and will get better.

I don't know why I needed to write that, but I feel both better and worse for it. I've been saying this for a while now - Every step you take is your own. It makes you, or it breaks you, but it is your own defining moments. To life - you are a worthless asshole that needs to stop throwing people curve balls. You SUCK. But I know that somehow, you are making me a stronger person for everything you've thrown at me. You are LIFE, and I have LIVED through it. Through the happiness, the tears, and the fears, I am somehow still standing. Bring it on. I'm not sure I can take much more, but I'd rather find out then be a coward.

So You Think You Know Me?

Just a few things about me ;)

1. I LOVE the beach, the smell of salty ocean is just about the most calming thing ever. I go to the beach when I'm bored, or sad, or need to think, or just don't want to think anymore.

2. I'm short, but i'm smaller then I look, and I look bigger then I should. This does not please me. Be patient, I'm working on it.

3. I have yet to accomplish anything. Nearly 22 and nothing... I doubt I will ever get my degree, or do anything major in my life. It's just not... what happens? Seems like things never work out. It's a cop out, I know. Stop mocking me. Ok, fine, I'm mocking me too.

4. I am EXTREMELY ticklish.

5. I don't eat red meat unless I have to, and avoid fish unless it's sushi. Chickenarian? Yepp!

6. I don't like stupid movies!!! Benchwarmers, Elf, all that can just GO AWAY! (Billy Madison being the exception).

7. I dye my hair blonde, and I tan in a box when I can. The only things not fake about me are my chest and my nails, and I like it that way.

8. I'm terrified of heights, but love roller coasters and tall guys. Go figure.

9. Britney Spears is my... I want to say idol, but I don't want everything she's had. Just the pretty side of things, the image. My most favorite person ever? Hells yeah. I would LOVE to meet her!

10. I may come off as an obnoxious brat at times, or at least feel like I am. Thing is, I'm just incredibly insecure. I get embarrassed so easily, I make fun of myself before anyone else can. That way no one is laughing at me, just with me.

11. Maybe I am a little immature. I swear, I really am not like that when I'm at the top of my game.

12. This is starting to get a little bit down... so lets just say it: I AM TERRIFIED OF ELMO! LOL.

13. I MISS MY FRIENDS! I hardly see any of them, and barely speak to a lot of them.

14. I want to get my bartending license as soon as I lose all this weight again. No one will want a chubby bartender, even if she does have gigantic tits.

15. That being said, I'm a GEEK! I <3 the FF series, WoW, tabletop RPGs, nearly switched my laptop to Linux, and can kick your ass at editing. I'm pretty good at controlling a camera, too. I have a deep love for being a part of the backstage life, and a huge respect for directors, writers, producers, ect. Dream Job: costume designer!

16. Oh god, ten more? Ok. I'm Greek-Orthodox, but I barely go to church. In fact, I feel my church only wants my stewardship. I would rather have a welcoming, warm, friendly church then a greedy snobby church.

17. I have BAD luck with guys. Just BAD! Not saying I haven't loved whoever I've told I loved, but those relationships were barely good for me. Sometimes you just need to protect yourself, even if it ruins a good thing. I'd rather be alone living in my parents house then across the country in love with my best friend and being terrified of horrible horrible things. I get myself into such messes sometimes. Maybe I do have commitment issues. But maybe I just need someone to commit themselves to ME and earning my devotion instead of handing myself over on a silver platter.

18. I facebook stalk. I just looked at some pics of a friend from high school, and good god I can't believe how old he looked! I'm shocked that we're adults now. That most of my friends now have babies, and a smaller group are actually married. I feel left out in that sense, but at least I get to drink and stay out till all hours and sleep when I want - ie., I don't have to take care of a crying baby by myself after a night of drinking. My classmates are (mostly) graduating this year or next if they haven't already, and I'm still about a year and a half away from that.

19. I almost got married. I chickened.

20. I get scared easy.

21. I want to go on a road trip around the country, or at least across it.

22. I've never been to disneyland/world.

23. I'm trying really hard right now to not IM someone that I would love to talk to.

24. I LOVE to party, and will usually find the awesome people at parties or concerts when I go with a certain group of friends. The clingy bitches need to back off and let me do my thing.

25. I love YOU. RECIPROCATE!

Bucket list. 25 about myself. Blog on why writers need to date other creative types. On spring break partys. On the history of the askewniverse.

Fire in the Taco Bell

So I haven't posted in the last few days, but really thats because not a lot has been happening. Been laying low... Hung out like, ALL night with one of my friends a few nights ago, that was amazing. First time we hung out like that, and he is such an awesome guy. I was supposed to go out drinking tonight, but I'm living the broke life, and just feel so sick. Pretty much since Saturday, actually. The pic is from that night. Lets just say I was thoroughly BLITZED, so I had a reason to feel bad sunday, but that was the only day I felt ok. Lol. Either way, I'm going to bed, hopefully I'll have more to post tomorrow. Peace!

If I was waiting for the opportune moment, that was it. Damnit. Lesson learned: open my mouth next time.

I hear the notes in my head but i cant write them down, i know the words i would say but i cant make a sound.

Top Ten

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but never on this blog. Each one is about a different person.

1) I love you. You are one of my sisters, and I wish you all the happiness in the world :) Who could forget the times we've had? We better stay friends. You're marrying a crazy marine, you're gonna need your girls!

2) You are my little sister for life. I'm so so sorry we fell apart for so long, but I'm back now. Things should be fun from here on OUT!

3) You have a jealous streak a mile wide, and you feel you're entitled to it. Truth is, no one makes you feel anything but yourself. Let go to find what you need to find.

4) Sorry about that hun. But just so you know, I'm keeping you around for times when I have no one else to call. Please answer when I do call, I'll probably be so lost that GPS will tell me I'm in the middle of the Sound. I'll need you then. BTW, you remind me SO DAMN MUCH of Ludo. Love it! Makes me want to hug you. OK, do you want to go to the beach next week??? I need a Ludo hug. lol.

5) Damnnnn you're adorable! I'd never say it to your face though. I'd be worried about pissing you off, and lets face it, you scream like a man. I don't like men screaming. I'd rather have a bitchfight. But just so you know, you're so cute you've snapped me back into myself. Thanks.

6) You should let go, so that I can breathe without feeling guilty for having fun while you're still pining after what you can't have. Don't drag me down with you. I'm not going.

7) Can we all please get the seashell tattoo together???? It's our home, our love. We were raised to brand ourselves island girls (but I bet our mothers wished it was with hair dye, not ink). I want my first to be special. Same idea, maybe the same design, different spots.

8) (TwoFer) Looking at your facebooks makes me feel awful, and inferior, and just... destroyed. Fuck you. I hope you're happy now. Good riddance.

9) Sorry I missed/am missing your entire pregnancy sweetie!!! I'm coming up in June, so maybe I can see you then?

10)Thank you for hassling him SO damn much, it really sped up the whole dropping off the kids thing. And thank you for not making fun of me, when you had PLENTY of opportunity to do so, many many times.

The Post That Took All Night

There are few things pure in this world anymore,
and home is one of the few.
We'd have a drink outside,
maybe run and hide if we saw a couple men in blue.
To me it's so damn easy to see
that true people are the people at home.
Well, I've been away but now I'm back today,
and there aint a place I'd rather go.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own.
I feel home,
when I'm chillin outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real.

Feelin alright, headin out tonight,
maybe out to a dark driveway.
I say now some feel bored,
and some are lookin for more.
Well, we all just decide to stay.
We got nothin to do,
and I look at you
I see something that I know and love.
and with the crack of a smile we all stay a while
we know from home there aint nothing above.

Well in the end we can all call a friend
well that's something I know as true.
And then a thousand years and a thousand tears
I'll come back to my original crew

cuz to me throughout eternity
there's somewhere where you're welcome to go
I said it's something free that means a lot to me
when I'm with my friends I feel home.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home,
when I'm chillin outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
because home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real

I feel home.

So long are the days of wondering. I know I'm supposed to be here. There is NO feeling like being back, checkers shakes at Islip Town Beach, smelling the ocean from your bedroom window. Best friends coming to push you out of the busiest intersection in town because you ran out of gas. Again, at the beach, jumping off the Lifegaurd chair into the sand.

2002: The year I met the rest of my life, but I didn't know it yet. We will be friends until we are old and grey, and probably after that as well. Thank you all, you know who you are :) The Hamster Cage set the ball rolling. I may still have my original 8 membership card. Mr. Paduano, you accepted me as a the goofball I was, but you saw the person I was sure to become, and SHOVED me in that direction. :) Quentin, you will always be my q-tip of evil, the deranged depraved insanity to my ditz.

2003: A hearty F U to you! You taught me lessons, but daaaaaamn did they have to be so blunt?!?!

2004: Sixteen at last, with amazing friends and a broken compass. I will miss you forever, I am sorry that that was the only party of mine you were able to attend. Watch her, she still loves you SO much. She deserves so much more then these shitty times.

2005: RENT. LOTR. Six-foot Legolas in my bedroom, santa hat included. Art classes galore. First job at Hot Topic, purple/blue/red/green/blonde/orange/pink hair. Losing my senior year to B.O.C.E.S. Film/TV Production classes, and completely regretting it. More best friends were made, we are just as close but we barely see each other.

2006: Just a bad year. Busted my knee, didn't walk at graduation, ripped the hem on my prom dress getting into the limo, worked at wal-mart, screwed up my life some... I think the only good things I got from that year were the good times.

After that, I didn't know which way was up. It's a joke I still make today, that up is whichever way I'm looking. There are a few regrets, none as much as not getting my act together in time to have a REAL college experience, that I beg to go back to. I went to SUNY Suffolk for a semester in 2006, never went back there, moved to Michigan the next summer and started WCCCD spring 2008. I met some people during that time that were amazing, and others that I would love to feed to Jeepers Creepers. There was no reason for me to get so hurt that summer, you know what you did. There was no reason to not pick up the phone and say "I'm Sorry", even if you didn't mean it. I'd've preferred lies and closure instead of heartbreak and confusion. I'm not bitter anymore, but I will never forget what you set in motion, hell, I'm still living it.

I left MI october 2009, and up until this point, I've wanted to leave Long Island. I just recently worked on The Wiz at my high school, and it was such an amazing experience. Reconnecting with familiar faces, running the halls with the loves of my life, auditioning my dog for toto. While painting parts of the set, I definitely KNEW I was supposed to be there. It defined creepy deja vu, but made me feel more at home then anything. For the first time in YEARS, I was where I belonged. Now that the weather is getting warmer, I'd like to have a small shindig (i.e. CRAZY BONFIRE!), with each and every one of my friends there. A "Phoebe is staying, so let's PARTY!" type thing. Bring your firepits, wood, and your own alcohol. Bring a blanket and a pillow if you want to crash in the living room with us afterwards. I will be taking keys at the door, and not giving them back if drunk me even THINKS you drank too much. As far as date goes, IDK! After St. Pattys, for sure. Maybe after I get a steady job. But for sure before my birthday, because I'm having another one for my birthday haha. For now though, IDK. I believe it is late enough to be considered bedtime, and I can't remember the original intent f this aside from I felt home :) so expect news later on which piece of the set I decide to take home with me. Emerald City, or my flower from munchkinLand? I'm so amazed and proud of both.

Forget Regret. Love your Life, and LIVE it.
-Phoebe

LML

Life, as I know it, will always be topsy-turvy, confusing, sometimes unbearable, but always amazing.

That is all :) Go have fun, it's GORGEOUS out today!

Wow, I Have a Blog?

Well well well... here we are again. I count every time I find space and time to write as a new beginning, since it means something has ended and I now have time to think. That being said, I wish I were drinking instead of thinking. (And I can soooo hear Joe yelling "DRINK, DON'T THINK!"). Awesome job at the high school tonight, awesome crew, awesome directors. Not so stellar talent, but they work what they have quite well for being so inexperienced.

I feel I should catch any readers up on some things, but, to wrap it up neatly: I am in NY. I do not see California working out right now. I see many many roads here for me to walk, and I intend to skip down whichever one I choose VERY merrily. Ever step I take will be my own, as it used to be and as it should be again. I am tired of being a puppet, a doll. I am not made of porcelain, I will not break if I fall. If I fall, I will pick myself up, not lie around being... broken. I"ve got my big girl panties on, I can handle life as we live it.

Nearly 22 is a lot calmer then nearly 21. I'm done with the bullshit, fuck that shit. I still have a lot of confusion, possibly more then this time last year. But being at peace with yourself is better then being so uptight you spin out of control. Right now, there is nothing for me to control, and although I son't like it, I have accepted it as what it is. No job. No car. No income. But no bills aside from cell phone to worry about, so I'm OK @ the moment. I'm not sure how that @ symbol ended up in there, but I'm ok with it.

Just as I promised, some things will never be spoken of or written about. If you want to be a snarky bitch, snoop around some more, I'm sure there is something left somewhere. My head hurts. I am done.

I have earned my Big Girl panties now. I also think I have earned the right to be mentally exhausted, especially after all the crap I've gone through. I'm lucky, in some ways, if you look at it from that side. In others... fucking A, man. Yeah, I'm young. But I'm not a baby. Thats no excuse. Grow a pair, and stop ogling mine. I've got more balls then you"ll ever have, and more tits then you can handle, dickwad.

on that note, I leave you, my loves, my words, with this: no its not what it seems/ it's just what you think it is

Goosenight.