Beer & Laundry

I need to work on expressing thoughts more often, so I don't always hold it in until I explode at someone. How do I know this? Because I'm tired of getting headaches that make the back of my neck pulse when I'm upset. Usually if I can't yell or scream it out, I end up shaking with a pulsing headache. Just wonderful. And incredibly juvenile to top it all off, that I still need to scream at someone when in an argument. It just makes it feel better, makes my point get across so much clearer. Maybe tiny people just need to scream because we're little? IDK. Maybe I was such a "good" child that I skipped that part of development. I never had tantrums. I never threw a fit in a store, grocery or toy variety. Actually, I'm pretty sure I skipped a lot of "phases" of development. All that teenage rebellion? I was pretty much a good kid. Never did my homework, and hung out with the wrong crowd for a tiny amount of time, but I never caused any major issues. I've had more tantrums since February then I've had in my entire childhood. I've slammed doors, cabinets, anything to avoid all-out self-combustion or a full-fledged fight. I think knowing I cannot do anything, or get my way/what I want, has officially gotten to me. Mom said I had anger issues. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because no matter what I do, every mistake gets shoved in my face. I don't want to work in a god damned restaurant, especially with one of my fathers friends. They don't like the fact that I'm bartending, tough shit, it's money I'm making ON MY OWN, in a way I feel comfortable with. Not shutting my mouth and serving fries with that. I should be more of a bitch just because I never ask for anything, yet I've been treated like shit by an asshole that doesn't deserve my recognition as family. If you follow my twitter, you can see this all happening, every little piece of control I have crumbling away.

I need a punching bag and a soundproof room. And lots of kleenex.

Your Drug is a Heart Breaker

I've got a lot to say on drugs, relationships, and when they intertwine and decide to be friends. Mostly: Don't do it. Alcohol, otc, and rx are the only drugs that people should ever use, and even then, only in moderation. Sure, feel nice every now and then. But don't work to use and use to work. it's not worth it for the people you leave behind and hurt in the process.

I nearly married a man that needed to use. It's how I ended up living with my parents again. There. It's out. I dated an addict. I feel horrible, and dirty, and used. I also think I deserve my big-girl panties for putting up with it for so long, dealing with addiction, arrests, waking up in the middle of the night not knowing where your partner is or if he is ok. I was so scared, all the time. I still am, and I'm not even dating the fool anymore. He's my best friend. Losing him would be one of the worst things ever. Losing him would be losing my hope that things can and will get better.

I don't know why I needed to write that, but I feel both better and worse for it. I've been saying this for a while now - Every step you take is your own. It makes you, or it breaks you, but it is your own defining moments. To life - you are a worthless asshole that needs to stop throwing people curve balls. You SUCK. But I know that somehow, you are making me a stronger person for everything you've thrown at me. You are LIFE, and I have LIVED through it. Through the happiness, the tears, and the fears, I am somehow still standing. Bring it on. I'm not sure I can take much more, but I'd rather find out then be a coward.

Wow, I Have a Blog?

Well well well... here we are again. I count every time I find space and time to write as a new beginning, since it means something has ended and I now have time to think. That being said, I wish I were drinking instead of thinking. (And I can soooo hear Joe yelling "DRINK, DON'T THINK!"). Awesome job at the high school tonight, awesome crew, awesome directors. Not so stellar talent, but they work what they have quite well for being so inexperienced.

I feel I should catch any readers up on some things, but, to wrap it up neatly: I am in NY. I do not see California working out right now. I see many many roads here for me to walk, and I intend to skip down whichever one I choose VERY merrily. Ever step I take will be my own, as it used to be and as it should be again. I am tired of being a puppet, a doll. I am not made of porcelain, I will not break if I fall. If I fall, I will pick myself up, not lie around being... broken. I"ve got my big girl panties on, I can handle life as we live it.

Nearly 22 is a lot calmer then nearly 21. I'm done with the bullshit, fuck that shit. I still have a lot of confusion, possibly more then this time last year. But being at peace with yourself is better then being so uptight you spin out of control. Right now, there is nothing for me to control, and although I son't like it, I have accepted it as what it is. No job. No car. No income. But no bills aside from cell phone to worry about, so I'm OK @ the moment. I'm not sure how that @ symbol ended up in there, but I'm ok with it.

Just as I promised, some things will never be spoken of or written about. If you want to be a snarky bitch, snoop around some more, I'm sure there is something left somewhere. My head hurts. I am done.

I have earned my Big Girl panties now. I also think I have earned the right to be mentally exhausted, especially after all the crap I've gone through. I'm lucky, in some ways, if you look at it from that side. In others... fucking A, man. Yeah, I'm young. But I'm not a baby. Thats no excuse. Grow a pair, and stop ogling mine. I've got more balls then you"ll ever have, and more tits then you can handle, dickwad.

on that note, I leave you, my loves, my words, with this: no its not what it seems/ it's just what you think it is

Goosenight.