Beer & Laundry

I need to work on expressing thoughts more often, so I don't always hold it in until I explode at someone. How do I know this? Because I'm tired of getting headaches that make the back of my neck pulse when I'm upset. Usually if I can't yell or scream it out, I end up shaking with a pulsing headache. Just wonderful. And incredibly juvenile to top it all off, that I still need to scream at someone when in an argument. It just makes it feel better, makes my point get across so much clearer. Maybe tiny people just need to scream because we're little? IDK. Maybe I was such a "good" child that I skipped that part of development. I never had tantrums. I never threw a fit in a store, grocery or toy variety. Actually, I'm pretty sure I skipped a lot of "phases" of development. All that teenage rebellion? I was pretty much a good kid. Never did my homework, and hung out with the wrong crowd for a tiny amount of time, but I never caused any major issues. I've had more tantrums since February then I've had in my entire childhood. I've slammed doors, cabinets, anything to avoid all-out self-combustion or a full-fledged fight. I think knowing I cannot do anything, or get my way/what I want, has officially gotten to me. Mom said I had anger issues. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because no matter what I do, every mistake gets shoved in my face. I don't want to work in a god damned restaurant, especially with one of my fathers friends. They don't like the fact that I'm bartending, tough shit, it's money I'm making ON MY OWN, in a way I feel comfortable with. Not shutting my mouth and serving fries with that. I should be more of a bitch just because I never ask for anything, yet I've been treated like shit by an asshole that doesn't deserve my recognition as family. If you follow my twitter, you can see this all happening, every little piece of control I have crumbling away.

I need a punching bag and a soundproof room. And lots of kleenex.

I am the girl with a lot on her plate...

Well, I have absolutely nothing to write about, but here I am - yeah, I don't know why either. it's been a confusing few days, well, week I should say. Things are officially done with Mr. Cali, no more chances, barely speaking. I'm personally glad, I think both our lives are better off without the other in it, we were just dragging each other down. I'm tired of being terrified of reasons why his phone is off and he's not responding to emails, of being alone, he's tired of... well, probably of my crazy emails, but that would have been avoided if he had just smoke-signaled he's still alive. I feel horrible for him, but until he cleans up even speaking to him will be difficult, always wondering what he's doing that he won't tell me.

In other news... I need to make up my mind. Between Ludo, Sped Hardly, Unc, Pedro, and The Hoff, I'm all over the place. I don't know what to feel for who, and who is most likely to return the feelings. I don't want to get hurt here, yet I'm so setting myself up for failure. Honestly - I don't think any are really going to be there when I need them. I am the girl that is always there. I have a few friends, but lately they are all wrapped up in thier own relationships. I'm tired of being the fifth/seventh/third wheel when we go out. But I doubt any of these boys can help me with that.

In OTHER other news - WOOOO! I finally got someone to start teaching me how to bartend! And I'm looking for bands that would like to play at Molly Blooms in smithtown, on July 18th.

And in the sports report... I'm playing soccer with lovely Crashley this week, and tanning with Scielso too! Yay for seeing girls I love but never see!!! I'll post more about that when it happens, though. Funny pictures are sure to be posted, as well. :)

Alone in the Dark

I'm a sweet girl. I'm lovable. So I stand here, begging you to love me already, please. Sleepless nights alone are my worst nightmare, and my life has been full of them. Love me. Choose me. Save me, from myself most of all. Show me that I'm more then just a passing thought, that maybe someday I'll be able to see myself as more then nothing. Love me, so I can learn to love myself.