Wrong decisions:484 phoebe being right: 0
this whole life has been ridiculous. So screw it, i'll give it a shot. I can't lose anymore then i already have.

OY! AYE CARAMBAAAA!!!!

GEEZ!!!! I SO got myself in deep this time! I got a job at a bar, as a shot girl. There is a MAJOR spring break party coming up this week, and I am just... nervous beyond belief. I've done this before, come on! Dress up, play the part, flirt, make them think they're special... and then never come back once the tray gets empty. HAHAHA! But this time, I am freaking out hardcore. I don't look the same as I used to. Granted, I still have the huge tits, and I am just waiting for a bouncer to have to pull some motor-boatin fool out of my face, but I'm not the tiny little thing I was. I turned into a whale! The bottom picture, the one in white, is me now. The top one is me from about a year ago. Crazy, right? I was ADORABLE. In the right light I was downright HOT. Now? I'm lucky if I get asked to move instead of just being pushed, cuz you know, being fat is contagious and just speaking to tubby wonders infects you with it.

Ohhhh I hate to say this but... I need to go to the gym :( I hate that place! Give me a dorky denise austin video and a door with a lock on it instead! I miss doing my own little workouts, and running, and just being myself. I always gain weight when I'm home but this is a disaster. This is putting me back 2 years and no clothes. Which brings me round to my next issue.

The dress code for the party is BEACH WEAR. I'm a... I resemble the walrus instead of the carpenter. I look fine in a bikini top/ tank top combo, but with jeans. Long jeans. Not shorts. If I wore shorts, I would need to wear danskin tights to make my legs look like a hooters girl. And if I wore tights, I wouldn't be able to wear heels. And being a shot girl, I've got to look my best, so I've got to wear heels. So I've got to break dress code and wear long jeans. I don't even know how I'm going to walk in them all night I hate heels lol. Either way... I need to hit the gym so I can dance without getting winded. bleh. I have a few words of wisdom for myself.

Don't forget the boobie tape.

Your Drug is a Heart Breaker

I've got a lot to say on drugs, relationships, and when they intertwine and decide to be friends. Mostly: Don't do it. Alcohol, otc, and rx are the only drugs that people should ever use, and even then, only in moderation. Sure, feel nice every now and then. But don't work to use and use to work. it's not worth it for the people you leave behind and hurt in the process.

I nearly married a man that needed to use. It's how I ended up living with my parents again. There. It's out. I dated an addict. I feel horrible, and dirty, and used. I also think I deserve my big-girl panties for putting up with it for so long, dealing with addiction, arrests, waking up in the middle of the night not knowing where your partner is or if he is ok. I was so scared, all the time. I still am, and I'm not even dating the fool anymore. He's my best friend. Losing him would be one of the worst things ever. Losing him would be losing my hope that things can and will get better.

I don't know why I needed to write that, but I feel both better and worse for it. I've been saying this for a while now - Every step you take is your own. It makes you, or it breaks you, but it is your own defining moments. To life - you are a worthless asshole that needs to stop throwing people curve balls. You SUCK. But I know that somehow, you are making me a stronger person for everything you've thrown at me. You are LIFE, and I have LIVED through it. Through the happiness, the tears, and the fears, I am somehow still standing. Bring it on. I'm not sure I can take much more, but I'd rather find out then be a coward.

So You Think You Know Me?

Just a few things about me ;)

1. I LOVE the beach, the smell of salty ocean is just about the most calming thing ever. I go to the beach when I'm bored, or sad, or need to think, or just don't want to think anymore.

2. I'm short, but i'm smaller then I look, and I look bigger then I should. This does not please me. Be patient, I'm working on it.

3. I have yet to accomplish anything. Nearly 22 and nothing... I doubt I will ever get my degree, or do anything major in my life. It's just not... what happens? Seems like things never work out. It's a cop out, I know. Stop mocking me. Ok, fine, I'm mocking me too.

4. I am EXTREMELY ticklish.

5. I don't eat red meat unless I have to, and avoid fish unless it's sushi. Chickenarian? Yepp!

6. I don't like stupid movies!!! Benchwarmers, Elf, all that can just GO AWAY! (Billy Madison being the exception).

7. I dye my hair blonde, and I tan in a box when I can. The only things not fake about me are my chest and my nails, and I like it that way.

8. I'm terrified of heights, but love roller coasters and tall guys. Go figure.

9. Britney Spears is my... I want to say idol, but I don't want everything she's had. Just the pretty side of things, the image. My most favorite person ever? Hells yeah. I would LOVE to meet her!

10. I may come off as an obnoxious brat at times, or at least feel like I am. Thing is, I'm just incredibly insecure. I get embarrassed so easily, I make fun of myself before anyone else can. That way no one is laughing at me, just with me.

11. Maybe I am a little immature. I swear, I really am not like that when I'm at the top of my game.

12. This is starting to get a little bit down... so lets just say it: I AM TERRIFIED OF ELMO! LOL.

13. I MISS MY FRIENDS! I hardly see any of them, and barely speak to a lot of them.

14. I want to get my bartending license as soon as I lose all this weight again. No one will want a chubby bartender, even if she does have gigantic tits.

15. That being said, I'm a GEEK! I <3 the FF series, WoW, tabletop RPGs, nearly switched my laptop to Linux, and can kick your ass at editing. I'm pretty good at controlling a camera, too. I have a deep love for being a part of the backstage life, and a huge respect for directors, writers, producers, ect. Dream Job: costume designer!

16. Oh god, ten more? Ok. I'm Greek-Orthodox, but I barely go to church. In fact, I feel my church only wants my stewardship. I would rather have a welcoming, warm, friendly church then a greedy snobby church.

17. I have BAD luck with guys. Just BAD! Not saying I haven't loved whoever I've told I loved, but those relationships were barely good for me. Sometimes you just need to protect yourself, even if it ruins a good thing. I'd rather be alone living in my parents house then across the country in love with my best friend and being terrified of horrible horrible things. I get myself into such messes sometimes. Maybe I do have commitment issues. But maybe I just need someone to commit themselves to ME and earning my devotion instead of handing myself over on a silver platter.

18. I facebook stalk. I just looked at some pics of a friend from high school, and good god I can't believe how old he looked! I'm shocked that we're adults now. That most of my friends now have babies, and a smaller group are actually married. I feel left out in that sense, but at least I get to drink and stay out till all hours and sleep when I want - ie., I don't have to take care of a crying baby by myself after a night of drinking. My classmates are (mostly) graduating this year or next if they haven't already, and I'm still about a year and a half away from that.

19. I almost got married. I chickened.

20. I get scared easy.

21. I want to go on a road trip around the country, or at least across it.

22. I've never been to disneyland/world.

23. I'm trying really hard right now to not IM someone that I would love to talk to.

24. I LOVE to party, and will usually find the awesome people at parties or concerts when I go with a certain group of friends. The clingy bitches need to back off and let me do my thing.

25. I love YOU. RECIPROCATE!

Bucket list. 25 about myself. Blog on why writers need to date other creative types. On spring break partys. On the history of the askewniverse.

Fire in the Taco Bell

So I haven't posted in the last few days, but really thats because not a lot has been happening. Been laying low... Hung out like, ALL night with one of my friends a few nights ago, that was amazing. First time we hung out like that, and he is such an awesome guy. I was supposed to go out drinking tonight, but I'm living the broke life, and just feel so sick. Pretty much since Saturday, actually. The pic is from that night. Lets just say I was thoroughly BLITZED, so I had a reason to feel bad sunday, but that was the only day I felt ok. Lol. Either way, I'm going to bed, hopefully I'll have more to post tomorrow. Peace!

If I was waiting for the opportune moment, that was it. Damnit. Lesson learned: open my mouth next time.

I hear the notes in my head but i cant write them down, i know the words i would say but i cant make a sound.

Top Ten

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but never on this blog. Each one is about a different person.

1) I love you. You are one of my sisters, and I wish you all the happiness in the world :) Who could forget the times we've had? We better stay friends. You're marrying a crazy marine, you're gonna need your girls!

2) You are my little sister for life. I'm so so sorry we fell apart for so long, but I'm back now. Things should be fun from here on OUT!

3) You have a jealous streak a mile wide, and you feel you're entitled to it. Truth is, no one makes you feel anything but yourself. Let go to find what you need to find.

4) Sorry about that hun. But just so you know, I'm keeping you around for times when I have no one else to call. Please answer when I do call, I'll probably be so lost that GPS will tell me I'm in the middle of the Sound. I'll need you then. BTW, you remind me SO DAMN MUCH of Ludo. Love it! Makes me want to hug you. OK, do you want to go to the beach next week??? I need a Ludo hug. lol.

5) Damnnnn you're adorable! I'd never say it to your face though. I'd be worried about pissing you off, and lets face it, you scream like a man. I don't like men screaming. I'd rather have a bitchfight. But just so you know, you're so cute you've snapped me back into myself. Thanks.

6) You should let go, so that I can breathe without feeling guilty for having fun while you're still pining after what you can't have. Don't drag me down with you. I'm not going.

7) Can we all please get the seashell tattoo together???? It's our home, our love. We were raised to brand ourselves island girls (but I bet our mothers wished it was with hair dye, not ink). I want my first to be special. Same idea, maybe the same design, different spots.

8) (TwoFer) Looking at your facebooks makes me feel awful, and inferior, and just... destroyed. Fuck you. I hope you're happy now. Good riddance.

9) Sorry I missed/am missing your entire pregnancy sweetie!!! I'm coming up in June, so maybe I can see you then?

10)Thank you for hassling him SO damn much, it really sped up the whole dropping off the kids thing. And thank you for not making fun of me, when you had PLENTY of opportunity to do so, many many times.

The Post That Took All Night

There are few things pure in this world anymore,
and home is one of the few.
We'd have a drink outside,
maybe run and hide if we saw a couple men in blue.
To me it's so damn easy to see
that true people are the people at home.
Well, I've been away but now I'm back today,
and there aint a place I'd rather go.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own.
I feel home,
when I'm chillin outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real.

Feelin alright, headin out tonight,
maybe out to a dark driveway.
I say now some feel bored,
and some are lookin for more.
Well, we all just decide to stay.
We got nothin to do,
and I look at you
I see something that I know and love.
and with the crack of a smile we all stay a while
we know from home there aint nothing above.

Well in the end we can all call a friend
well that's something I know as true.
And then a thousand years and a thousand tears
I'll come back to my original crew

cuz to me throughout eternity
there's somewhere where you're welcome to go
I said it's something free that means a lot to me
when I'm with my friends I feel home.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home,
when I'm chillin outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that's just what I feel.
because home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real

I feel home.

So long are the days of wondering. I know I'm supposed to be here. There is NO feeling like being back, checkers shakes at Islip Town Beach, smelling the ocean from your bedroom window. Best friends coming to push you out of the busiest intersection in town because you ran out of gas. Again, at the beach, jumping off the Lifegaurd chair into the sand.

2002: The year I met the rest of my life, but I didn't know it yet. We will be friends until we are old and grey, and probably after that as well. Thank you all, you know who you are :) The Hamster Cage set the ball rolling. I may still have my original 8 membership card. Mr. Paduano, you accepted me as a the goofball I was, but you saw the person I was sure to become, and SHOVED me in that direction. :) Quentin, you will always be my q-tip of evil, the deranged depraved insanity to my ditz.

2003: A hearty F U to you! You taught me lessons, but daaaaaamn did they have to be so blunt?!?!

2004: Sixteen at last, with amazing friends and a broken compass. I will miss you forever, I am sorry that that was the only party of mine you were able to attend. Watch her, she still loves you SO much. She deserves so much more then these shitty times.

2005: RENT. LOTR. Six-foot Legolas in my bedroom, santa hat included. Art classes galore. First job at Hot Topic, purple/blue/red/green/blonde/orange/pink hair. Losing my senior year to B.O.C.E.S. Film/TV Production classes, and completely regretting it. More best friends were made, we are just as close but we barely see each other.

2006: Just a bad year. Busted my knee, didn't walk at graduation, ripped the hem on my prom dress getting into the limo, worked at wal-mart, screwed up my life some... I think the only good things I got from that year were the good times.

After that, I didn't know which way was up. It's a joke I still make today, that up is whichever way I'm looking. There are a few regrets, none as much as not getting my act together in time to have a REAL college experience, that I beg to go back to. I went to SUNY Suffolk for a semester in 2006, never went back there, moved to Michigan the next summer and started WCCCD spring 2008. I met some people during that time that were amazing, and others that I would love to feed to Jeepers Creepers. There was no reason for me to get so hurt that summer, you know what you did. There was no reason to not pick up the phone and say "I'm Sorry", even if you didn't mean it. I'd've preferred lies and closure instead of heartbreak and confusion. I'm not bitter anymore, but I will never forget what you set in motion, hell, I'm still living it.

I left MI october 2009, and up until this point, I've wanted to leave Long Island. I just recently worked on The Wiz at my high school, and it was such an amazing experience. Reconnecting with familiar faces, running the halls with the loves of my life, auditioning my dog for toto. While painting parts of the set, I definitely KNEW I was supposed to be there. It defined creepy deja vu, but made me feel more at home then anything. For the first time in YEARS, I was where I belonged. Now that the weather is getting warmer, I'd like to have a small shindig (i.e. CRAZY BONFIRE!), with each and every one of my friends there. A "Phoebe is staying, so let's PARTY!" type thing. Bring your firepits, wood, and your own alcohol. Bring a blanket and a pillow if you want to crash in the living room with us afterwards. I will be taking keys at the door, and not giving them back if drunk me even THINKS you drank too much. As far as date goes, IDK! After St. Pattys, for sure. Maybe after I get a steady job. But for sure before my birthday, because I'm having another one for my birthday haha. For now though, IDK. I believe it is late enough to be considered bedtime, and I can't remember the original intent f this aside from I felt home :) so expect news later on which piece of the set I decide to take home with me. Emerald City, or my flower from munchkinLand? I'm so amazed and proud of both.

Forget Regret. Love your Life, and LIVE it.
-Phoebe

LML

Life, as I know it, will always be topsy-turvy, confusing, sometimes unbearable, but always amazing.

That is all :) Go have fun, it's GORGEOUS out today!

Wow, I Have a Blog?

Well well well... here we are again. I count every time I find space and time to write as a new beginning, since it means something has ended and I now have time to think. That being said, I wish I were drinking instead of thinking. (And I can soooo hear Joe yelling "DRINK, DON'T THINK!"). Awesome job at the high school tonight, awesome crew, awesome directors. Not so stellar talent, but they work what they have quite well for being so inexperienced.

I feel I should catch any readers up on some things, but, to wrap it up neatly: I am in NY. I do not see California working out right now. I see many many roads here for me to walk, and I intend to skip down whichever one I choose VERY merrily. Ever step I take will be my own, as it used to be and as it should be again. I am tired of being a puppet, a doll. I am not made of porcelain, I will not break if I fall. If I fall, I will pick myself up, not lie around being... broken. I"ve got my big girl panties on, I can handle life as we live it.

Nearly 22 is a lot calmer then nearly 21. I'm done with the bullshit, fuck that shit. I still have a lot of confusion, possibly more then this time last year. But being at peace with yourself is better then being so uptight you spin out of control. Right now, there is nothing for me to control, and although I son't like it, I have accepted it as what it is. No job. No car. No income. But no bills aside from cell phone to worry about, so I'm OK @ the moment. I'm not sure how that @ symbol ended up in there, but I'm ok with it.

Just as I promised, some things will never be spoken of or written about. If you want to be a snarky bitch, snoop around some more, I'm sure there is something left somewhere. My head hurts. I am done.

I have earned my Big Girl panties now. I also think I have earned the right to be mentally exhausted, especially after all the crap I've gone through. I'm lucky, in some ways, if you look at it from that side. In others... fucking A, man. Yeah, I'm young. But I'm not a baby. Thats no excuse. Grow a pair, and stop ogling mine. I've got more balls then you"ll ever have, and more tits then you can handle, dickwad.

on that note, I leave you, my loves, my words, with this: no its not what it seems/ it's just what you think it is

Goosenight.