Learning

I think I'm so hesitant about school and work because I have no way of getting to either. School is going to have to wait, although I have phenomenal credit and even eating a sandwich makes me think of how cultures have evolved and created fast food. It's crazy. I'm smart. There's so much behind the image you all see, that no one even knows about. Instead, I'm a basket case of a 22 yr old thats failed at becoming an adult. Woohoo for me. Happy freaking birthday, look around you, that's what you could have become. Someone in a better place, having better times.

formspring.me

You're nosy, start asking!! http://formspring.me/tinytk

You are my Sweetest Downfall...

I should have loved you more, loved you harder. Said yes instead of maybe. Maybe if I had, we both wouldn't be as fucked up as we each are. I had stupidly been told that loving someone wasn't enough. I now know it's more then enough, it's all there really is. To have someone other then yourself there, with you, is why we're put on this stupid plane of existence. Not for ourselves. For each other. Every stupid mindfuck that thinks it's to make money, preserve some sort of image, well - what good is it if you're a lonely asshole in the end?

Yes, I still love you. It kills me knowing I'm hurting myself here. Why would I want to hurt myself any more then circumstance already has? I wish I could just stop giving a shit, about you, about myself. Turn into a damn robot, do as I'm told. You know I've never been that way though, I'll never actually let myself go that numb. Some remind me every day in their own way that your the worst thing to happen to me, well, honestly I don't agree. Somehow I hope you get better, that life finally works out for the both of us and maybe, just maybe smile and mean it.

idk where i was going with this, but it's the deepest thing I've thought about all day, its a shame not to post it.

I wish it would leave a bruise for once, denying the fact that you're heartbroken is getting rather old.

Down to Business

So, I've decided on something, finally. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. The whole club scene is bullshit, honestly. There is a situation going on right now, a split within the group, and I don't know which side to pick, the side I've known longer or the side that has another amazing friend? And really, the side I've known longer has made me feel like shit sometimes, which is NOT something a friend does. I'm about to say screw it all and just not go to any freaking clubs this summer. I'm about to just pack a duffel bag and skedaddle, I'm so done with everything here. Two things are stopping me. I have no place to go and no money to get there with. Ugh. Living the broke life.

WTF?!?!?

Just saw on FB that yet another one of my friends has gotten married. Jealousy is rising high, overriding logical thoughts. Just one more "my life is just THAT shitty" moment. I'd like things to work out in my favor on a major, life-changing scale for once. Not the "hey I ran a red and didn't die" daily type of favor. The favor that puts you back to basking in the warm light of happiness.

Have all my warm fuzzies been used up? Have I played all my cards and I'm left with a crappy hand? Will I ever become something more then what I am, insignificant mass of illogically destructive cells?

One lives to find out, I guess. I just wish I could be blessed with knowing what's coming for me, take all the guesswork out of it. In a subjective future, we can still only make each choice once.

One Lives to Find Out (I know I'm whining, it's hard not to when shit hits the fan)

I've been alive, but I don't think I've been living. Why not? Because I haven't been doing a lot of finding out lately. Some, here and there, but no major epiphanies, golden beacons of self-enlightenment shining down from the heavens (or the light fixtures for some reason...). Just a lot of confusion and worries and just not fun. I have to admit something here:

I've been faking, with a big fat F.

I'm tired. I'm broke. I'm tired of being broke and stuck in one place. That's what it is, I think. I feel stuck. I barely drive, I barely get paid (people [aka my friends *cough, cough, hint, hint!*] need to start coming to the club on my guest-list for crying out loud! No, you can NOT come in for free, ya dang MOOCH! How do you expect me to be able to hang out with you outside a club setting if I'm flat broke cuz I let you in for free!?). I need a real job. The issue being, I have no steady form of transportation. The public transit system on the island SUCKS. It exists to get you into the city and back to your car, or to get minors to the mall in 1hr, 45mins on the express route. Not to mention I would need a ride to the bus/ train station, there are none within walking distance of my house. I'm just screwed here. I should have left months ago, it's not working out. I'm nearly 22, what reason do I have to sleep and store my belongings under my mothers roof anymore, aside from being a damn hippie? I want my own life already. It's been established I don't belong here. By whom? Myself, and little bits and pieces of other's subconscious behaviors. I'm wasting time here, literally and figuratively.

On being relocated: I'm being told I need to change my drivers license to NY, from MI. I'm also being told I need to go back to school. Things wrong with this picture:

1. I'm still enrolled at WCCCD, just not registered for any classes.

2. When I tried to transfer my middle states accredited credits to whatever the hell the Midwest uses that is SO hard to remember, I got a bunch of shit for answers and none of my credits transfered aside from freshman seminar. The rest were just useless towards any degree. I'd imagine the reverse would be just as much of a hassle, especially since I'm almost done in that system. AND because my application to EMU is nearly complete, only lacking one more piece. I hate waffling, especially waffling major documents.

3. I hate Suffolk community college. I've been there, tried it, laughed at the stoners, didn't fit in at all, it's just not the right fit for me. But right now, that's even more college then I can afford. I left there with a "no go backs" policy, and I intend to keep it.

And to top it all off, I got pissed off at the world and dyed my lovely unnaturally blonde hair to a color darker then the 2 inches of roots showing - my hair is almost BLACK. Splotchy black. I hate it, it's depressing and dark and dreary. It's the reason WHY I've been dyeing it blonde for the past year and a half.

I miss my life. Life changes, the world keeps spinning even if you trip and fall. No one cares that you're a confused beginner. There are people I haven't seen in months that I would love to have back in my life. There are people I'd like to shaaa....re a cupcake with. (It might have explosives in it, it might have been recommended by Wyle E. Coyote. Specifics, who needs those anyways???)

I think I need a nice dose of fun, sun, a vacation from being sick, tired, bored and unproductive... and a life I can call my own instead of whining in my big-girl bedroom. It's my birthday wish (turning 22 on the 23rd! excited? not really, just looking forward to getting shitfaced).

Night ya'll.