Revenge feels good until you see the blood.

I want to be pretty, just to f*ck you up. Make your mind twitch and your insides turn, make you see what a fool you are. Maybe I'll wake up from my nightmare when you're begging for me, crying in your sleep for what you can't have.

& that's about as malicious as I get.

Today, we breathe.

It’s been a while. I feel the need to catch up, in a timeline even.

07/02 – Beach with the Michael sisters and my sister. Fun was had, Nadine got pinched by her crabby boyfriend that kept finding her, tanning was done and then we decided to attack tangers. Nothing good can come from four girls shopping right after the beach. Nadine was asked for her facebook instead of her number… cute, but funny. Came home and… No clue what happened after that. Oh, yeah. Went to bed at a decent hour for once, and then got a call at 2am from an obnoxious drunk Jake. No, I did not want to hang out. No, I was busy the next day. No… I did not care who he dated (very weird conversation at this point). After that… no sleep. At all. All. Night. LONG.

07/03 – Went to New Jersey with the family, and hung out all day with my favorite little cousins… I got kissed ( I love little CJ kisses! He’s so sweet!), hugged, kissed some more, splashed, blew bubbles, played store, tried vanilla tequila and chocolate wine (yummy! But I was terrified that one of the kids would want some “chocolate milk”, that’s exactly what it looked like!) and tanned. Great day, aside from getting stuck in traffic and dad driving both really slowly and ME insane.

4th of July – I think I tanned. Started talking to an awesome guy. No partying was accomplished, at all. Was completely freaked out by the firecrackers that I COULD NOT see.

07/06 – Hung out with the elusive Jake.

07/09 – Beach with Jeanette Sunburn of my LIFE happened. We then completely tore apart Target when we only went in for mousse and suntan oil. LOL. Funny how girls do that.

07/13 – Went to Mollys for a little bit. Hung out with Paul, who I am definitely confused about. Cute face. The man actually uses his brain. But these legos aren’t clicking together right. Tried to watch Tropic Thunder… I was beyond confused.

07/15 – Visited moms friend, and finally met her new baby, little Vinny and hung out with Gabby again! I can’t believe she is walking, she’s sooo little! While we were there, they were informed of an issue with the LAX team she and her husband coach… they were down a goalie for the summer. Two hours later, I’m covered in goalie gear with a lacrosse stick doing my best to not flinch when the ball comes at me – I flinched once, got a few bruises, and made a few saves. Not too shabby for my first time. I’m in for the rest of the summer season.

07/17 - Disaster of a day. Went to Candy’s for a little bit, stood around feeling stupid, then went home. The only good thing that came from this day was shopping, I finally got a new dress, jeans, and a pair of heels. I also bought a new mouth guard, the one Coach gave me doesn’t quite fit right since I don’t have braces.

07/18 – Sunday brought around a new week, a new vibe. All ages matinée at Molly’s lacked a crowd, but the people that made it out were awesome, and it’s always a fun time if Mike and Pete are behind the bar. Strong Arm Law, Kith & Kin, Ink & Lead, and The Broosevelts were there, I was the un/official TJ… Haha. There was this guy there, kept on looking at me and smirking. Needless to say, we start talking, he asks me how it feels to be the only girl there, I say it feels like being the only girl there (so dumb!). I was outside texting for a ride about an hour later, and he starts talking to me again. Turns out he lives really close by, so he offers to drives me home when my ride bails. Funny thing at this point, he knew my name because of my nameplate necklace, but I had to ask him what his name was across the bar in front of Mike! Lol. We exchange numbers, saying we should hang out during the week sometime… He actually finds me on Facebook, which is pretty impossible since I’m super-private, and his plans for the night get cancelled so he asks if I want to hang out. Of course I do. We end up going to a bar in St. James and playing pool with some friends of his all night. It really was a fun time.

07/19 – Monday started off as a disgusting uneventful day. The type of day that makes you want to crawl into your favorite worn-in hoodie and hide. Around 11, Jordan (Mr. Matinée) starts IMing me. I don’t even know how it comes around, but he asks if I want to hang out, we go back and forth about it for about an hour before I finally say yes, and then it’s 2am, we’re at a diner, it’s 3am and we’re watching The Godfather, we fall asleep in the middle so we start it over again in a few hours. That movie is INSANE. I had never seen it before, it’s every cliché about Italians ever! Ever! All in all… great night with the amazing Jordan.

I Almost Forgot...

Ten months of having a blog! It seems like so much longer though. This time last year, I was just coming back from a short vacay in CA, I had just gone to my very first water park in OH the week before, I was ALL over the place! I barely had time to write, but I had a million things to get off my mind. I should have started then haha. It's funny how it seems like such a long time ago - meanwhile, high school seems like yesterday even though it's been four years. Funny how that works.

Dance Media- full bod & foot work- rave/club style 2004

This girl is amazing. The video is OLD, but I am still loving it! I would love to see her doing this in a dark club with glow gloves on - the ones with the lights on the fingertips, so you don't have to use glowsticks. So amazing!

Your life is waiting – just get in the car and drive

I've been slowly realizing something lately. No matter what happens, if you are not happy, that affects every part of your life. You aren't happy, so you think your job sucks; you aren't happy, so you gain weight; you aren't happy, so your relationships fail. You have to make sure you are pleased with yourself before you get out of bed in the morning, or else your whole day/week/month will just turn to shit. No one else can do that for you. You can fool yourself into believing that other people made your day awful, but it's just not true. Your reaction to other people has made your day awful. Roll with it. I'm not saying don't react, at all. If you want to, scream, shout. But know you do not need to hold on to the drama and therefore bring yourself down.

I'm changing a lot right now. I'm back in the mindset I was about 2 years ago, before I started letting other people affect me. So far, I've lost some weight, started working out again, made some awesome new friends, started sketching and writing again... I found a few blank canvases and I'm dying to paint something. I'm getting my balls-to-the-wall attitude back, and it feels amazing to walk in my own shoes again. It helps that I dropped the drama-makers from my life. It helps that I want to be myself so badly I don't care if running hurts, I'll do just about anything to be myself again.

Lost

I tan. As I sit in the sun I try to think, or if need be, stop thinking. I grew my nails out to make you happy. I let my hair get long and light from the sun. I stop doing things that make me happy. I stop calling my friends, and focus all of my attention on you instead. You only call me when you need to. You only text to make sure I can answer the phone when you call. You make me feel terrible for finding someone else, even if he isn't that type of guy.

Why did I fall for you so hard, so fast? And why is getting over you so easy until I'm home alone at night, with no friends to hang out with, and no one to speak to?

I need out. I also need to hit you really really hard, but I won't. Why should I? Just to prove that you're right? Screw that.

Beer & Laundry

I need to work on expressing thoughts more often, so I don't always hold it in until I explode at someone. How do I know this? Because I'm tired of getting headaches that make the back of my neck pulse when I'm upset. Usually if I can't yell or scream it out, I end up shaking with a pulsing headache. Just wonderful. And incredibly juvenile to top it all off, that I still need to scream at someone when in an argument. It just makes it feel better, makes my point get across so much clearer. Maybe tiny people just need to scream because we're little? IDK. Maybe I was such a "good" child that I skipped that part of development. I never had tantrums. I never threw a fit in a store, grocery or toy variety. Actually, I'm pretty sure I skipped a lot of "phases" of development. All that teenage rebellion? I was pretty much a good kid. Never did my homework, and hung out with the wrong crowd for a tiny amount of time, but I never caused any major issues. I've had more tantrums since February then I've had in my entire childhood. I've slammed doors, cabinets, anything to avoid all-out self-combustion or a full-fledged fight. I think knowing I cannot do anything, or get my way/what I want, has officially gotten to me. Mom said I had anger issues. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because no matter what I do, every mistake gets shoved in my face. I don't want to work in a god damned restaurant, especially with one of my fathers friends. They don't like the fact that I'm bartending, tough shit, it's money I'm making ON MY OWN, in a way I feel comfortable with. Not shutting my mouth and serving fries with that. I should be more of a bitch just because I never ask for anything, yet I've been treated like shit by an asshole that doesn't deserve my recognition as family. If you follow my twitter, you can see this all happening, every little piece of control I have crumbling away.

I need a punching bag and a soundproof room. And lots of kleenex.

I am the girl with a lot on her plate...

Well, I have absolutely nothing to write about, but here I am - yeah, I don't know why either. it's been a confusing few days, well, week I should say. Things are officially done with Mr. Cali, no more chances, barely speaking. I'm personally glad, I think both our lives are better off without the other in it, we were just dragging each other down. I'm tired of being terrified of reasons why his phone is off and he's not responding to emails, of being alone, he's tired of... well, probably of my crazy emails, but that would have been avoided if he had just smoke-signaled he's still alive. I feel horrible for him, but until he cleans up even speaking to him will be difficult, always wondering what he's doing that he won't tell me.

In other news... I need to make up my mind. Between Ludo, Sped Hardly, Unc, Pedro, and The Hoff, I'm all over the place. I don't know what to feel for who, and who is most likely to return the feelings. I don't want to get hurt here, yet I'm so setting myself up for failure. Honestly - I don't think any are really going to be there when I need them. I am the girl that is always there. I have a few friends, but lately they are all wrapped up in thier own relationships. I'm tired of being the fifth/seventh/third wheel when we go out. But I doubt any of these boys can help me with that.

In OTHER other news - WOOOO! I finally got someone to start teaching me how to bartend! And I'm looking for bands that would like to play at Molly Blooms in smithtown, on July 18th.

And in the sports report... I'm playing soccer with lovely Crashley this week, and tanning with Scielso too! Yay for seeing girls I love but never see!!! I'll post more about that when it happens, though. Funny pictures are sure to be posted, as well. :)

Alone in the Dark

I'm a sweet girl. I'm lovable. So I stand here, begging you to love me already, please. Sleepless nights alone are my worst nightmare, and my life has been full of them. Love me. Choose me. Save me, from myself most of all. Show me that I'm more then just a passing thought, that maybe someday I'll be able to see myself as more then nothing. Love me, so I can learn to love myself.

Learning

I think I'm so hesitant about school and work because I have no way of getting to either. School is going to have to wait, although I have phenomenal credit and even eating a sandwich makes me think of how cultures have evolved and created fast food. It's crazy. I'm smart. There's so much behind the image you all see, that no one even knows about. Instead, I'm a basket case of a 22 yr old thats failed at becoming an adult. Woohoo for me. Happy freaking birthday, look around you, that's what you could have become. Someone in a better place, having better times.